Eyes Open, Emily

I’m back

I gave up tumblr for boys.

But I’m back now. I’m gonna sit down and actually write out a post when I get off work. I moved to the cosmetics department and I think I get exponentially prettier every day from all the things I learn from people back there.

And by the way, growing up is really not all it’s cracked up to be.

Bittersweet.

I’m coming back tumblr.

I stopped writing for awhile. I think i got sick of analyzing my own life in such detail because I think when I sat there and picked it apart piece by piece, I focused too much on the insignificant bits and not enough on the big picture. It started to depress me. So, I’m back, happier than ever before, and completely in love :]. Well, I have been for a year…so I guess it really has been a long time. First new post to my online journal tomorrow the 17th, my one year anniversary. We’ll catch up like old friends.

Elated,

<3Emily

Always Midnight

Are you blind?

Can’t you see me standing here waiting in line?

for you.

Are you mine?

Not just when you wanna be,

all of the time?

are you?

Are you blind,

don’t you see me standing here,

won’t you tell me what it is

I’m waiting to find?

Expression

I think one of the most frustrating feelings in the world is not being able to express yourself quite right. This is most obvious when I try to write and can never seem to say exactly what I mean or in such a way I feel people will understand. But what is more unbearable, or at least when you think about it, is not being able to say what you wanna say. Of course you could say it, but it’s probably not in your best interest to say it. This happens all to often, and it’s almost similar to when you are guilty of something and your conscience won’t let it go. It makes your skin crawl until you’re able to get it out successfully. I’m still looking for the right time on some of these things, and I know I have a tendency to jump the gun. At the same time, I’ve always been analytical and sure of myself in most major decisions or situations, so now it’s just a matter of time. A waiting game of trial and error, testing the waters continuously until I get the timing perfect, which has been overall pretty shitty up until now. Or, I could always wait it out completely. I am patient, but not that patient.

Today was the superbowl. Saints won! I was very happy and my night was a lot more relaxing after I got off work. Working from 10-5 in a grocery store on the day of the superbowl when the game started at 5:30 was definitely not fun, but it’s a bigger paycheck, so I can manage. Practice tomorrow at 8:30. I’m refusing to study or clean or do anything tonight. I’ve resigned for the night, so that means I’m getting up around 5AM tomorrow. In my opinion, it’s a better choice than being half-productive now and losing sleep over nothing. Shower time. I’ll update soon/a lot more often.

Calm.

I have too much time…

and at the same time not enough. Empty time is appreciated because it’s so relaxing, but on the other hand, it is detrimental to my mental health sometimes because I over-analyze everything. I never thought of myself as an idealist, but more of a skeptical realist. I feel like it’s hard to not be the way I am after a certain amount of time of being alive. I have mostly approached life with an open mind and with a cautious optimism, but with new experiences come new viewpoints, and sometimes I can feel myself getting overly idealistic and fanciful in my thought processes. It’s refreshing and frustrating. Why is everything so conflicting? ahh. I feel like I never make sense when I write, especially publicly on the Internet. The same thing happens when I try to speak to people. I know exactly how I feel, everyone does, but I have a problem being exactly who I am to the fullest. I hold back a lot. And it’s usually with negative feelings, which can be bad for a lot of reasons. First, i guess I feel the need to take on burdens of others, and I want to believe that things are more perfect than they are so I hold them in. So how will other people know there’s a problem? They won’t until I grow a pair…And I also like to second guess my negative feelings, constantly wondering if they are justified or not. I guess ninety-nine percent of the time they are, but I never seem to reconcile with them. Luckily, I’m still young enough to blame adolescence and brush it off.

Life’s been pretty good. I mean really, I have everything I need except more money, but I can manage that. It’s already February. I’ll be graduating and three months and it’s still weird to think about it. I’m excited, but there are a lot of open-ended questions that I know that I’m not ready to be answered quite yet. But, life’s all about getting surprised and knocked down, so I’m sure they’ll take me by surprise, and the moral lesson can be found after I find a way back on my feet. I’ve always wondered how people can stay so consistent in their personality over the years, when I feel like I am changing all of the time, but I really am beginning to see the stability in me. I really believe that I am a product of my environment and the people I have known through my life and not so much the genes that I have.

Anyway, I’m rambling as always.

Some more poetry:

I can feel your hot breath bringing me down,

for a moment I could hear your voice,

my sleep shallow and misshapen,

a pillow subject to choice,

You linger longer in my head,

but longer still your touch.

You make the art from me now,

didn’t know someone could mean so much.

Just some poetry.

I’m not sure why, but I’ve been writing a lot lately. Poetry has never really been my thing, but I think I’m getting better at it. And it’s becoming a way for me to express my feelings to the world while being able to half-mask them with metaphors as well. It’s a good release. A lot has been going on lately and I feel a little lost.  I don’t know. I’m rambling about nothing. Here’s some of my most recent writing. I’m not an idiot, but I’m no Connor Oberst either:

11/26/09:

Falling infinitely;

In a world once made of boundaries,

few now exist.

Onlooked by the fleeting,

but some stay,

if for nothing else, the risk.

Go it alone or maybe with another,

absorbing what the other has taught them.

You won’t find love if you won’t let go.

Just fall,

don’t think,

there’s no bottom.

11/30/09:

Under the sheets I found no solace,

Words made you sober, but you’re still gone,

I didn’t end up where I fell asleep,

I feel cheap, I feel cheap.

Under the skin I found no feeling,

Never put a bet down, but I’m still spent,

Maybe it’s better that you didn’t speak,

I feel weak, I feel weak.

Under your nose I found no words,

I’m number one, but I’m not first,

“Okay, I don’t know” looking at your feet,

It’s okay, it’s too deep.

I’m Back

I’m back again from another hiatus. And with a lot to say, just not tonight because I’m exhausted. I always approach every entry like I somehow have some insight that other people don’t. It’s actually annoying…my ego about knowledge sometimes inflates. plus, I look back on entries and realize that so much has changed within a matter of months or even weeks. Anyway, I’m tired, but I will write tomorrow.

Unexplainable.

Stress

stress has put me into a constant state of numbness. I am so concerned that I don’t care. I am so tired that I don’t sleep. I’m so unhappy that I’m okay. Reality is setting in. I’m scared for the future, I’m already regretting a lot of the past four years, and I am stuck in my non-existent present.

I need…I don’t even know what I need.